I've started searching; searching for more answers lately. My doubts have intensified since January. One afternoon, I decided to ask my mother.
She wasn't surprised. She had been trying to tell me all along but felt that I would never listen to her. For the first time in years, we finally spoke about life after death. Whatever her conclusions, I remain doubtful. I feel as if I am one foot in and the other out. I am still looking for answers, hoping to find loopholes against Science, Login and Reason. At the moment, many questions will remain unanswered.
For once, I suddenly feel as if I'm alone in this world and no one is really watching me from Above. Even the Word which I've so faithfully kept in my heart for decades seem to be losing its grip on me these days. I fear somewhat yet I can't help sensing an unexplained freedom within me. I still want to hold on to my faith but if they were indeed fiction, then isn't it wiser to let go and be 'free'?
I see myself at a turning point, without a definite sense of direction yet. If any faith or religion which believes in a supreme being were a fallacy, then Who Is God? And Why Am I Here? Likewise, if every faith or religion claims that theirs is the True Way, then which God is universal? That's quite disturbing too, right?
The issue between Evolution and Creation has often caused much controversy even up to this day. I have begun to question my own existence despite what the Book says. At this juncture, I wonder who's more right now. I feel as if I've defected but I haven't. Not yet. I am still finding answers. My future matters. While many religious and moral teachings guide people to lead a good and honest life, one question remains: Is it a means to an end? Where do we go after we die? Do we simply turn to dust, be reincarnated into something else or resurrected in spirit in due time?
I've always lived with a strong sense of Hope. Hope has kept me looking ahead and believing for a better life in the future. But who do we hope in? Ourselves or a Supreme Being? Isn't it sad to know that our lives end on this earth and there's no second chapter after death?
I may be foolish to be rocking my own boat but I honestly hope that my search is wrong. I feel guilty doing this but I've to find the truth. If He is real, I've asked Him to find me back if my search is indeed a futile one. If He isn't, then what I'm doing isn't wrong.
Keeping one's Faith IS easy; letting go IS hard.