It was an emotional three days for me. I didn't bawl my eyes out. On the contrary, I swallowed the pain and the hurt. But my significant other could tell when he walked into the living room.
"What happened to you?" he asked me last night.
I had nothing to say. I couldn't hide the distress in my eyes. They seemed emotionally tired because I hadn't slept or eaten well for nearly three days. My mind was preoccupied; yet I had to remain silent.
"You think too much..." the other one texted yesterday.
I'm too emotional for my own good. I do think too much, allowing the lies and doubts to creep inside me like an uninvited visitor.
"What worries you now?" my BFF asked me last night over whatsapp. She could read me through the lines. That's my best buddy of over three decades!
I admit I was emo but I swallowed my tears, refusing to let it fall. In the midst of the pain, I was searching for answers to understand myself better. I wanted to tackle the issue with a clearer perspective, without resentment and prejudice against my loved one. I wanted to know my own psychology and understand my reactions to the episode first before I threw another wrong accusation.
The images were beginning to surface on the first night when I was jolted out of sleep just before 5am.By the second night, they had become more vivid and so tormenting that I exploded the next day. I had to let my worms out or they would torture me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Looking back, I feel sorry for the one on the receiving end. It was inevitable. I knew I was putting us to the 'test' again but I couldn't live with the pain any more. I couldn't lose myself even if I had to lose the other.
"Am I an insecure person?" I asked her.
"Nope, you are in fact a very confident person". She reassured me like all BFF would.
This morning, I feel a lot better. There is finally some closure to the episode. I can move on. Bruised but not defeated. I'd like to think that I've a strong mind. Yes, I will still think and analyse all the time because I believe in confronting my own doubts, fears and challenges. It can be really frightening at times but I've survived using this defence mechanism in me.
The episode has been an emotionally unpleasant surprise because I was unprepared. I acknowledge my weakness that I'm born this way. But I've dealt with it to the best of my ability.
I realize my tongue has hurt those I truly cherish. I can't undo the damage now but I hope I can learn to restrain my words after this experience.
One thing I want to do next is to Sleep