It was unexpected. I didn't see it coming but it happened. After a four month hiatus, we resumed our bedroom session again.
On reflection, the recent cold war had disguised itself as the prequel. Prior to that night , he had said he didn't want to speak to me anymore. And I had blurted out 'Divorce me lah' in a fit of exasperation. My girl heard it when he mentioned thoughtlessly about what he'd do to make sure I didn't 'lose out' if the worst happened.
For a while, my pride was hurt. I was tearing and thoughts of us living separately terrified me. I was suddenly afraid of the future and regretted my words.
"Its a mistake, I...don't mean it; I uttered in anger. But you've said it before when you were angry too!". I responded abruptly.
I glanced at my daughter who was seated facing me with her back on her father. We were in the living room. She vaguely understood, not everything though, and began to ask me further after he had disappeared into the bedroom. Her expression revealed a genuine concern for us.
"No, we are not selling anything and I'm staying with you all. We are not going to divorce, ok?"
The days went ahead like any other and our texts were restricted to logistics about ferrying the children. Like proud peacocks, we kept to ourselves and made sure we didn't cross the line to break that hostile agreement.
Then Thursday arrived, four days after that 'divorce' word was uttered. If I had not decided to send a query to my son's teacher about an issue regarding their recess time, I doubt it would've happened on Friday night. If I had not used my laptop to sign in to that account before I attempted to send that email, I may not have found the opportunity to text him for help. If I weren't a dinosaur with technology, I wouldn't have needed help from him. If he didn't succeed in solving my problem with signing in, there wouldn't be a night like Friday.
Well, he did. I managed to sign in with his help.
"Great! I got in!! Thank you. I buy dinner tonight!" I texted.
"I don't want dinner. I can buy that." came his reply.
"Then what you want? A cycling suit?"
There was a pause on both sides. I hesitated, not knowing how to respond. For awhile, I felt like he was someone distant and I had to learn to 'break the ice' with intimacy again.
"Give you something in bed?" I asked awkwardly.
I joked back, trying my best not to feel uncomfortable with a man I've been married to for nearly 17 years.
"That's easy lah!".
It was almost 6pm after the final text was sent. I wondered how our night would turn out as I thought about our lack of intimacy for nearly two years. We were hardly regular but last year was the most infrequent between us. I felt as if we were both trying to get back again; as though a wide expense had separated us despite living under the same roof.
That evening over dinner, my daughter pestered me to sleep in her bedroom. It was rather tricky as I wanted to deflect her request, yet I also wanted to tell her the truth. In the end, I chose the latter.
"Parents are supposed to sleep with each other, that's the basic rule for marriages."
She frowned, obviously not getting the message fast enough. When I went on further to stress the importance of loving each other and tried to communicate with her using my eyes, she realised what had happened between us only days ago and relented childishly.
It was neither spontaneous nor exciting, I must say. But it WAS a start. To love our spouses constantly, every couple should make the effort to make love.
My target? I'm not that ambitious but Ill do my part to not deprive him every month after this.